for useinsouciant

[singlemantear]

 continued from here.

Dean doesn't get much sleep. He stays in bed, makes sure Cas gets the sleep he needs, but Dean's too keyed up about what he's going to do the next day to get much more than short, fitful bouts of unconsciousness. His dreams are filled with images of anxiety and pain - the face of his brother, a hoard of Croats chasing him, the scorch mark of angel wings across pavement.

As the sun starts to rise, Dean slides out of bed, careful to not wake up Cas, and goes to prepare for what he's gotta do that day. He covers the dining room floor with sheets that will hopefully soak up the blood, he sterilizes the saw and surgical instruments with alcohol he'd gotten at the hospital and gets all the bandages ready. He feels sick but he's got his game face on - determined to do what Cas has asked of him. He isn't thinking beyond the present moment and the one after that and the one after that. He won't think of the future again until after this is over. Cas needs all his attention.

Comments

[singlemantear]

"Probably a week," Dean says. "Although you may be able to move more freely in 4 to 5 days. We'll have to see how they're doing. But the more you can stay immobile, the quicker the healing will go."

But that won't mean just laying around. It'll be important for Cas to be up and about some of the day too. As long as he just does some walking, it shouldn't bother his stitches too much.

"And believe me, you'll know when they're really starting to heal because they're going to itch like hell."

[useinsouciant]

Cas blinks in realization. "I've never itched before. I don't really know what the sensation will feel like. I assume it's uncomfortable."

[singlemantear]

Dean huffs out a laugh. He hadn't really thought of that.

"Yeah, it's annoying," Dean confirms. "Doesn't hurt but sometimes pain is better. It will make you kinda want to claw your skin off."

Luckily, Cas won't be able to do that with where his wounds are situated. That'll be a blessing and a curse. He'll have to give Cas some kind of blunt back scratcher to relieve some of the annoyance - as long as he's scratching over the bandages.

"But, it's temporary. And the lady who lived her had enough lotions that we can keep you well moisturized as long as you don't mind smelling like sweetpea and lavender. It should help."

[useinsouciant]

"I enjoy lavender. Bees are very fond of lavender. I've stood in the fields for days, probably, watching their paths. It's very calming."

He takes more water before setting his head at the pillow. "Will you continue sharing the bed with me? I know if you don't, you'll end up sleeping in the chair. And besides, I sleep better listening to your breathing."

[singlemantear]

Cas and bees. He'll never understand it. But whatever makes him happy. There's not much of that to go around these days.

"As long as you don't think me moving around in the bed will cause you pain," Dean says. It's not like the mattress is one of those fancy ones that advertises how you won't feel your partner move next to you. Dean thinks those ads are probably lies anyway.

[useinsouciant]

"It hasn't disturbed me the past few nights. If you've moved, I haven't noticed at all." He's slept better the past two nights than he's ever slept since becoming mortal. He's fairly certain it has to do with Dean being close by.

"Besides. You'll be near by, if anything happens. If I need you."

[singlemantear]

Cas doesn't have to convince Dean. He planned on staying close, at least for the first night. If Cas wakes up in pain or needs to get up to use the bathroom, Dean wants to be able to be there to help him. He'll also sleep better knowing Cas is within reach.

"Alright," he says.

"How are you feeling now? Need any more pain meds?"

[useinsouciant]

"My back feels..." He furrows his brow and tries to think of a word, unused to judging levels of pain. "Sharper. It was sort of a distant throb, before." He's not sure if those are the right words, if that means the pain is better or worse, but that's all he has right now.

"It's not as bad as -- before. During."

[singlemantear]

"Well, I would hope it wouldn't be as bad as during," Dean says. "If that was the case, I'd be really fucking worried."

But it does sound like the morphine is wearing off.

"Let me get you a Percocet though. It'll take that sharp edge off before it gets even sharper."

Dean goes to the pantry where he's locked up all the hospital stuff and grabs the prescription bottle before returning to the bedroom.

"Here, take this."

He hands Cas one pill. He doesn't want to give him too much at once.

"If that doesn't do enough, let me know. You can take up to two every 4 hours."

[useinsouciant]

He frowns a little, not sure why Dean wouldn't just give him two if he can take two. But Dean's in control of the medications, and Cas hurts too much to argue. He just swallows his pill and sighs, closing his eyes.

"I know you wanted to think I'd have some Grace left. Something to heal me. But I don't think there's anything in me anymore, Dean. I'm just... a person."

[singlemantear]

Dean puts the pills on the nightstand next to Cas's water, so he can take more if he needs to. He thinks that he should maybe have a talk with Cas about how painkillers can be addictive but decides it can wait until the dude's not hours post getting his damn wings cut off.

"You're not just anything, Cas," Dean says. "Alright? Yeah, it'll take you longer to heal as a human but you're strong and you're gonna be fine."

[useinsouciant]

"I know that this wasn't something you wanted to do, Dean. I know it was hard for you. You are so much stronger than you think. We will get through this together. I'll survive. Because of you."

He pats the bed next to him, trying to settle in as comfortably as possible. "You deserve rest, as well."

[singlemantear]

Dean suddenly feels a lump form in his throat at Cas's words. He's just been on auto-pilot since this morning, not stopping to take stock of what he was feeling. And what he's feeling is exhausted - physically, emotionally. He doesn't necessarily feel like he has the right to be - it was Cas who lost the most today after all - but he can't deny that today was hard on him too.

He nods, worried that if he tries to say anything he'll just embarrass himself.

Instead he takes Cas up on the unspoken invitation and carefully gets into bed next to him - trying not to jostle too much. He then makes sure both of them are covered.

"Comfortable?" he asks. "Or...as comfortable as you can be?"

[useinsouciant]

"As comfortable as I can be, as you said." He stretches out his arm to rest his hand against Dean's heart, the motion starting to become habit. "I'd say I'll try not to wake you, but I have a feeling that's futile. I could breathe too deeply and you'd wake up."

[singlemantear]

"Don't worry about waking me," Dean says as his hand reflexively comes up to hold Cas's in place on his chest. The feel of Cas's hand on him, makes his eyes start to prick again. He's so relieved that Cas is okay. That today is over.

"That's why I'm here."

His voice is thick with emotion and he closes his eyes so he doesn't start doing something as embarrassing as cry.

[useinsouciant]

It's a rough first few nights. Cas wakes up in pain, biting down on his pillow to try and ride it out without waking up Dean. Which he's discovered is an impossible feat. Dean wakes up if Cas so much as blinks and is there with a soothing hand on his forehead, a glass of water, and one of those pills.

They do help, the pills. Make him feel like he's floating, a little, but at least he's not in pain.

When he can move enough to get a shirt on (button-down, but it's progress), they take the wings and feathers and give them what Dean calls a hunter's funeral. Castiel had thought he would be fine with it. After losing so much, a pair of wings seems small by comparison.

But he finds himself wiping away tears on his shirtsleeve as he watches the last of his angelhood float away in ash and smoke.

[singlemantear]

Dean at least finds purpose in caring for Cas. More purpose than he's had since he lost Sam. It gives him something else to worry about and something else to do. Cas needs him and Dean needs to be needed.

He'll get antsy to move on soon - when Cas is healed and Dean can train him up a little. But for now, he's content to hole up in this house that's started to feel a little like home even though they're surrounded by the ghosts of people who are probably all dead.

Today, they honor the ghost of Cas's wings. Dean had made them their own pyre and let Cas light them up. He stands respectfully and in reverence for the last piece of Cas that's connected to heaven and his Grace. He catches Cas crying out of the corner of his eye and he sets a hand on his shoulder to try to comfort him. He doesn't say anything because what can he say? Apologies or condolences feel inadequate for what he's lost.

[useinsouciant]

"I didn't think -- " He lets out a long, slow breath, blinking hard to stop the flow of tears unsuccessfully. "This is grief, I think. Mourning a part of myself I have to let go. Sadness, anger, pain. But not the physical kind. Just... pain."

He leans against Dean's shoulder, watching the last of the feathers catch and burn to embers.

[singlemantear]

Dean feels a lump form in his own throat. He feels the pain too, for Cas. He's angry and sad and hurts for his friend. He mourns the loss of those incredible wings too - of everything Cas was as an angel.

When Cas leans against him, Dean wraps his arm around Cas's back - well below the bandages of his still healing wounds - in a sort of side hug.

"You're allowed to mourn, Cas," Dean says, voice low and solemn. "You're allowed to be sad and angry. I sure as hell am."

[useinsouciant]

"I don't know what to be angry at," he admits, hand balling into a fist against his thigh. "God? He's gone. So are my brothers and sisters. Should I be angry at them for abandoning us? Angry at Michael for causing this war? It all seems so futile. There's nothing to be done and I'm left here. Watching my wings burn."

[singlemantear]

"You can be angry at any of them," he says. "All of them. Doesn't matter. Doesn't have to make sense. You can feel however you want."

[useinsouciant]

Cas pushes his face against Dean's neck with a sigh, feeling -- overwhelmed. Upset, frustrated, angry, grateful, all at once. "How do humans deal with multiple emotions at once?"

[singlemantear]

Dean tightens his arm around Cas.

"I'm not the best person to answer that question," Dean says with a snort. "I don't deal with them.

"And, for the record, I don't suggest that method."

Dean just doesn't know any other way to be.

[useinsouciant]

"So then I just -- let them happen?" He knocks his fist against his thigh. He wants badly to hit something, but his stitches are still healing. Itching, as Dean promised, which is a godawful sensation.

"This is why humans fight," he realizes slowly. "When they have no purpose behind the fight, it's because there are too many motions and no outlet. I have the -- the urge to fight something. But I'd undo all your hard work, open the wounds on my back."

[singlemantear]

"Yeah, sometimes they just kinda...boil over," Dean says with a nod. "And you either cry or yell or you hit something.

"Have you ever yelled just to yell? Might help."